The Hiatus Exhortation
by Ghosthaze
Summary: What happens with Sheldon and Amy right after the season 8 finale. I gave it a T rating just because it's angsty and sad and it's my first fanfic. So, let me know what you think, and if you like it I might write a follow-up fic.
1. The Hiatus Exhortation

Amy closed her laptop. It was a simple action, one she had taken countless times. Tonight , however, was different. Tonight she wasn't just shutting down a piece of equipment. Tonight she was closing a door. She was rebuilding walls she had fought so hard to tear down, and it was tearing her apart.

Truth be told, her whole situation was tearing her apart. She was in love with a man who would likely never be able to give her the relationship she wanted. She deserved more than half of his attention. She needed more than half his attention. He was everything to her. He was the only man, possibly the only person, who ever actually enjoyed her company. That fact alone would have been enough to make her love him, but then she got to know him. Sheldon had brought her into his world, and in his world she had friends and a boyfriend and all the things she had wanted so desperately out of life. She wasn't alone anymore and she had truly believed that could be enough for her. For five years she had clung to that idea, but deep down she knew she wanted more. She wanted him, all of him, but their anniversary date had made it painfully clear he would never be able to give her that much.

Tears poured over her eyelids as the weight of the truth fell fully upon her. She wanted something from him he simply could not give, and she had been a foolish girl to think she could coax it out of him. She folded her knees up to her chest and lay on her sofa letting the tears wash out some of her pain. This had been her life for thirty years before she met Sheldon. A sudden wave of fear swept over her, could she go back to this? Now that she knew what it was like to have people care about her, could she survive going back to the loneliness? Penny and Bernadette and the boys were all Sheldon's friends before she started dating him. They would all still be his friends if she left him. Leaving Sheldon meant she was leaving the group. Was she leaving Sheldon? She loved him desperately, but how much is a person supposed to take? How much is someone be expected to give up for love? At what point does it stop being romantic and just become pathetic? A swell of emotion worked its way up her esophagus and broke over her lips in the form of a silent wail, followed by a myriad of quiet sobs. She knew no good would come of fighting it, so she gave in and white knuckled her way through the fear, the pain and the dread, until exhaustion finally replaced them.

/

Sheldon closed his desk drawer. It was a simple action, one he had taken countless times before. Tonight was different, though. Tonight he wasn't just securing away a plethora of useful odds and ends, like band-aids and super glue. Tonight he was hiding his emotions, stowing them away in a small black box next to a repurposed drill bit he bought last January. He closed his eyes and focused on his breathing, willing away the gaping void Amy's words had torn into his soul. He had to get it under control or else it might consume him.

Truth be told, no act of will could ever close this wound. He was in love with her. She was everything to him. Perhaps he didn't make it clear to her. Perhaps he seemed preoccupied with other things when he should have been preoccupied with her. How could she expect him to keep his mind on her, when just thinking of her in passing was enough to inspire a horde of hippy-dippy feelings? She was the only woman, probably the only person, who actually enjoyed his company. Now she didn't want his company at all. Perhaps he was over-reacting. All she asked for was time to think. She had given him time last year when he needed to reset. Of course, that reset wasn't specifically about re-evaluating their relationship.

Panic rushed through his veins, squeezing his chest cavity until he found it hard to breathe. This was about him, and only him. He had done something horrible enough in her mind that it could possibly change the way she felt about him. He rose from his desk chair and stumbled toward his bedroom gasping for every strangled breath. He lay down on his bed with pillows under his legs and tried to calm his breathing, but his mind continued to race. Would she actually leave him? Did she want someone else? What was she doing right now? Was she alone? Was she crying? Was she happy? She didn't seem happy. Did she want him to do something? If so, what would that something be? How could he fix this? What if he couldn't fix this? A swell of emotion slammed hard against his Adam's apple. He tried several times to swallow it back down, but it would not be denied. He breathed a slow sigh hoping it would control the uncontrollable. His attempt to hold back failed as a sob jolted through his body and for the first time in his life Sheldon Cooper cried over a girl.

/

Amy rose from the sofa and stared blankly at the door for a moment. She knew it was him from the first knock but as usual she let him finish his ritualistic repetition. What time is it? Is it morning? She glanced at the clock on her oven. 3:53, She could feign sleep. He was knocking lightly enough that he would not have woken her had she been in her bedroom.

"Amy," His voice was barely more than a whisper, " I could see your light on as I walked over from the bus stop."

She sighed heavily. He would have to be dealt with, and she had no idea how she wanted any of this to play out. After a long moment she made her way to the door. She waited another long moment trying to steel herself before opening it just wide enough to see him with out letting him in. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot but his face was as stoic and unrevealing as ever. A pang of empathy gripped her stomach tying it into knots as she realized he had been crying. A sudden urge to hug him rushed over her, but she had learned how to control the urge for human contact over the years, and willed her arms to her sides.

"It's late Sheldon what are you doing here?"

"You've been crying." He stated flatly.

"So have you." She managed to keep her voice equally as flat.

"It's a high pollen day." he muttered, with a dismissive wave. His flailing gaze dropped momentarily, then slowly lifted darting all around her in a tell tale sign of his discomfort.

"You're not allergic to pollen." she watched as he awkwardly searched his surroundings for a moment before bringing his eyes back to hers.

"I'm sorry Amy." His voice was weak and laden with sincerity. She wanted to leap into his arms right then, but she knew the drill. He was saying what he thought she wanted to hear.

"Sorry for what Sheldon?" she prodded. His eyes flitted around her again. It was all the answer she needed, but she let him speak anyway.

"For what ever it is that's upset you." he sounded desperate, but as clueless as ever. She would never be able to express to him how badly she wanted to accept that half-assed apology and put all this time to think stuff behind them. But if she did that she would be no wiser than the fool she was before. So without a word she began to shut the door.

/

" Wait," Sheldon's hand caught the door just before it closed. This was not going according to plan. This is the part where she forgives him, and tells him she loves him for who he is, and invites him in for a hot beverage and a long boring chat about the state of their relationship. Instead here she was rudely attempting to slam the door in his face. He pushed against the unforgiving wood but Amy refused to let him open it back up. She just pushed harder to close it.

"Let go of the door Sheldon." Her voice was harsh and broken. He could no longer see enough of her face to gauge her expression.

"Wait. Amy, please." His own voice cracked in his throat as he begged for her not to shut him out. The pressure from the other side of the door eased, and he pushed it slowly open. She had given up completely. He watched as she made her way back to her sofa and sat on it's softest edge. The edge she had sat on the night she first kissed him. So many times the sight of her sitting on that exact spot had filled his chest to near bursting, with pride and love and all manner limbic anarchy, but right now he felt as broken as she looked. He took a tentative step inside. She made no protest to his presence, and tonight that was all the invitation he required. He entered the room and shut the door behind him, then turned to face her. She hadn't moved. She sat with her hands on her lap and her eyes on the floor, and he had no idea what to do next. He crossed the room and perched himself next to her. He left a perfunctory gap of 18 inches between their closest shoulders, then turned partially so that he could face her. He hated every second of this. Each passing moment of silence twisted his stomach into a quadruple helix.

"Tell me what you want me to do." He couldn't keep the pleading tone out of his voice. "I'll do anything you want."

"There's nothing you can do." Her voice was low but firm. "You can't give me what you don't have."

"If I don't have it then I'll get it." He didn't understand. She was speaking in riddles. She looked at him then. A sad smile softened her features but never quite made it to her lips.

"I love you, Sheldon…"

"I love you too." He interrupted. Clinging to her words the way a drowning man clings to any piece of wreckage he can find. Her face changed then so slightly a less observant man would have missed it. The sadness somehow got sadder and the softness slipped away. An abrupt awareness dawned on Sheldon just before she spoke, like the gut wrenching realization that the flotsam you've been clinging to is the crocodile that's about to devour you.

"I'm not sure that's enough." her words hung heavy between them. How could his love not be enough for her? She was sitting on the softest edge of her sofa the moment she made him want her, and that same edge is where she sat the moment she broke his heart. "I need time to think about what I really want out of life. Can you understand that, Sheldon?" The last sentence she spoke slowly. He heard her clearly enough but all he understood was his love was not enough for her. All his dreams for their future shattered around him. He could almost see the shards of hope littering her floor. An unexpected urge to clean tingled in his finger tips.

"How much time?" the question was moot he was certain but he had to ask.

"I don't know." Her reply was honest and curt and reminiscent of the girl he begrudgingly met in that café five years ago.

"Are we breaking -up?"

/

His voice was so small, so wounded her resolve faltered.

"No." she cooed before she could get her self in check "Maybe." she recovered " I don't know what's going to happen."

"But for now you don't want to continue being my girlfriend?" he couldn't even look at her. She wanted so badly to reach out to him, to make this all go away, but at what cost to her? Could she live with the knowledge that the man she was with would never love her the way she loved him? Could she content herself for the rest of life with the idea that he loved her as much as he could? Or would she just spend her whole life wishing he would have some sort of romantic epiphany and suddenly want nothing more than he wants her? The answer was simple but unsatisfying.

"I don't know." She could tell by the look on his face, he hated that answer. It left nothing but loose ends. He wanted to know where they stood and for the first time in their relationship she couldn't and wouldn't give him what he wanted.

" Alright." he began more detached than she thought either of them could be right now. "Proposal. I give you a hiatus, 45 days. The exact length of time I was gone last summer. In that time, I will initiate no contact. I will avoid Penny's apartment and the forth floor landing on all preordained girl's nights. Should we both be invited to a function or friendly gathering I will decline the invitation unless you are the one inviting me." She softened, whether at his words or his willingness to do as she asked she wasn't sure. All she knew right now was that this was his way of giving her what she was asking of him. "However, I will require that you e-mail me at least once a week to let me know that you're alright. And…" he paused here. His Adam's apple bobbing nervously and his eyes flitting around the room before lighting on hers again "Neither party can terminate the existing relationship nor begin a new relationship with a third party until the hiatus has ended and a state of the relationship summit is held." The last line came out in a bit of a rush, but she understood perfectly, he would give her time to herself if she wanted but he wasn't ready to lose her.

She smiled. It wasn't a big smile, but it was real smile.

"Proposal accepted."


	2. The Loneliness Miscalculation

_**A/N Thanks for the reviews ! I'm glad you guys liked it. Thanks to kimbee73 for pointing out Sheldon was only gone for 45 days. I couldn't remember for the life of me so I just added up the actual number of days between the season 7 finale and the season 8 premier, but I knew it sounded like too many. Long story short, I went back and fixed it so from here on out it's a 45 day hiatus not 129. Oh and I forgot the disclaimer last time so I'll add it here. I don't own anything. :)**_

The Hiatus Exhortation Part 2 : The Loneliness Miscalculation

Days one through five passed in a bit of a blur. Amy threw herself into her work in a desperate attempt to keep Sheldon off her mind. It was a fairly successful ploy. She had reached for the phone a few times and once she logged into Skype and left her pointer hovering over Sheldon's handle for the better part of an hour before talking herself out of it. For the most part, though, it was work food and sleep and no time in between to think.

Day six was a bit more clear. It started with a text from Penny to let her know everyone was getting together for dinner. Then, came a text from Bernadette saying they could gather at her house if Amy didn't want to see Sheldon. The idea that their friends were willing to accommodate her during this hiatus was heartening. Then she thought of Sheldon. Had he told them to offer her a way out of seeing him? If so was it chivalry, or was he afraid to face her? Should she accept the offer and have everyone change a years long tradition just because she and Sheldon were having relationship issues? Maybe she should just invite him to his own home. What would she say to him if she did? Would you like to come to your apartment for dinner? That just sounds ridiculous.

Suppose she did invite him and suppose they spent the evening in each other's company, should she ignore him? Should she be coldly cordial? Should she act as though nothing was wrong at all? What if he tried to ask her about their relationship? She had tried not to think about it at all this past week. How harsh would it sound if she told him that? Should she tell him she almost called? Or that she almost Skyped? Should she mention the way his memory floated at he edge of every thought, like a specter haunting the shadows of her mind?

What if he hadn't thought of her at all? What if he was enjoying his time away from her? How would she handle that? Maybe she should decline to go. She could stay late at the lab. She had plenty of brain segments to sort through and at least three more rabbits to dissect. It would be easier on everyone if she gave him this one. So, with a heavy heart and a shaky hand she texted both Penny and Bernadette her best excuse and dug herself elbow deep into pieces of bunny brain.

Work crept by. She simply could not keep her mind on the task at hand. She teetered all day between changing her mind and holding her course. She picked up the phone 7 times, to invite Sheldon to the gathering, each time she talked herself into hanging up before she dialed. At lunch, she wrote an email asking him to attend the dinner, but she deleted it before it was sent. A little past 4:00 she actually walked over to his office and stood outside his closed door until a curious adjunct asked her if she was lost. By the time Leonard showed up at her lab it was too late to change her mind.

"Hello, Leonard." She said a bit surprised to see him, and at the same time not surprised at all.

"Hi." He said entering the lab a bit tentatively. He stood quietly for a moment staring at Amy's tray of brains. "You know he's gonna ask me if I checked up on you."

"I suppose I do." she replied slowly.

"So," he paused for a moment, nervously picking at his thumbnails and somehow looking down and at her at the same time. "Are you, alright?"

She had intended to say yes, of course I'm alright, but the emotions she had been suppressing all week had found a hole in the dyke. "I don't know." she whispered, her voice cracking from the strain of holding back her tears.

Leonard took another step towards her, a commiserating ache apparent on his face. " You know, Sheldon isn't as fine as he appears either."

"He isn't?" Her heart lurched. He could be so stoic, especially where she was concerned. It was hard to imagine him broken down, the thought of it made her sick.

"He's spent the entire week turning half his bedroom into a Lego replica of Walnut Grove." a perturbed grimace wrinkled Leonard's features as he spoke.

"He did?" The question passed her lips in a quivering breath. Did he miss her enough to devote his Lego fun time to erecting a whole town in her honor?

"He claims it's just an old western town to run his model trains through, but the label on the general store says Olsen's Mercantile."

A wave of sadness and a trill of hope crashed through her all at once. He missed her. Maybe she should've went to dinner. Maybe she could still go. Maybe she shouldn't get ahead of herself. Of course he missed her, he loved her, that much she knew. None of that changed anything. She was the one who needed to think and she had wasted a week shirking that responsibility. She pulled herself back together. "Well, you can tell him I'm fine, I'm just…" she paused for a moment. What was she? Sad. Lost. Lonely. Confused. "…Busy"

Days one through five passed fairly easily. Sheldon occupied himself with work and video games and extra Lego fun time. He managed to keep his mind off of Amy for the most part. He did find himself reaching for the phone to text her, and once he even went so far as to log on to Skype, before realizing he was about to break the hiatus contract. That moment saddened him, but half way through building the Lego schoolhouse for his old west town, he began to feel better.

Day six was not as easy. The whole group was gathering for dinner. Generally such an event would take place around the coffee table in his apartment, but Amy had not invited him. It was an odd feeling waiting for someone to invite you to your own home for dinner. It was a devastating feeling, to not receive that invitation. Sheldon spent the last hour of work sitting at his desk splitting his attention between his door and his phone. The phone never rang. The door never opened. At 5:00 he checked his e-mail for any lat minute communication. It was empty. The message was clear, she didn't want him there. At 5:15 a light tapping on the door announced Leonard's presence, and Sheldon reluctantly gave up hope.

"Hey buddy, you ready?" Leonard cracked the door and poked his head through.

"No. I have a lot of work to do here." Sheldon replied gesturing towards his white board before sheepishly realizing he had it flipped to show the Alcoa FPA-4 locomotive he had drawn earlier that day. Leonard pushed the door all the way open and stepped inside, nodding slightly at the sight of the dry-erase train.

"Amy texted Penny. She's not coming tonight, so there's no reason you can't go home."

"Why isn't she coming?" an uncontrollable bolt of fear shot through Sheldon. Was she ok? Was she hurt? Was she so afraid of seeing him that she would forsake spending time with her friends? That was unacceptable. Having friends had always meant more to her than it had him, and frankly he would gladly give her Koothrapali and both the Wolowitz's if she wanted them.

"Something about, being stuck at work codifying the brain segments of epileptic bunnies. I don't know." Leonard gave a small shrug. Sheldon sat for a moment taking in Leonard's countenance searching for signs of lying.

"Did you check to see if she was in her lab?" Sheldon interrogated.

"I did."

"Was she codifying brain segments?"

"She was."

"Where they from epileptic bunnies?"

" I don't know Sheldon. They were pieces of brain on a tray." Leonard's patience had finally worn thin and he began to get whiney.

Sheldon pressed his lips together and gave a slight nod. "Alright" he said as he rose to gather his things. He grabbed his windbreaker and messenger bag and followed Leonard into the hall, before breaking the silence "Was she ok?" He asked weakly.

Leonard's face softened at the new line of questioning, and when he spoke his voice was soothing "Yeah buddy, she's just … busy."

Sheldon nodded., and they made their way to the car in virtual silence.

Leonard left to pick up Thai food around 6:30. By the time he returned, their friends had arrived. The living room quickly filled with chit chat and laughter as everyone began divvying out food and friendly insults. Sheldon found himself actually smiling at one of Howard's jokes as he strode to the refrigerator for a bottle of water. Maybe tonight won't be so bad after all he thought. Then it happened.

As he was returning to his spot he noticed Raj had moved from his usual spot on the floor to the spot between Sheldon's and Bernadette's. Sheldon stopped in his tracks. He stood stock still between Leonard and the end table and stared blinking at Raj. A niggling itch began tingling between his ears. That's Amy's spot. Raj doesn't belong in that spot. No one belongs in that spot but Amy. "That's Amy's spot." he blurted causing all conversation to immediately cease. He was vaguely aware of the muted whimpers of dewy eyed melancholy coming from Penny and Bernadette, but his gaze was leveled pointedly at Rajesh. They glared at one another for a moment, an uncomfortable silence hanging heavy in the room. Sheldon could feel the hurt and anger over Amy's absence bubbling just beneath his skin. Raj's blatant disregard for the place she held in his life was pushing those feelings dangerously close to the surface.

"Move it, Raj!" Penny's despondent command broke the silence, and the stare off, as Raj turned his attention towards her.

"But she's not even.. Oww." Bernadette's tiny hand packed a punch hard enough to elicit an incredulous whine from the petulant Indian. "What was that for?" he moaned rubbing the sting out of his shoulder.

"For moving your mouth instead of your hiney. Now hit the floor." Bernadette's normally squeaky voice had taken on a harsh growl of command. On most days Sheldon would have found it amusing, but as Raj begrudgingly returned to his normal spot, all Sheldon felt was thankful. He let out a small sigh and willed his emotions into check, before giving the tiny blonde a nod of gratitude. He seated himself and felt a swell of sadness as the emptiness next to him began radiating throughout the room.

Amy sat at her kitchen table staring down at the microwave meal she had just made. It was a sad substitute for the tangerine chicken she could've had at Sheldon's. She sighed heavily, remembering the warm, happy feeling of dinner with friends. Penny's drinking. Leonard's whining. Bernadette's squeaking. Raj's femininity. Howard's jokes. Sheldon's smile. Her breath hitched at that thought. Sheldon's smile. He had several different smiles ranging from mild amusement to full on koala face, but there was one smile he reserved only for her. It was a full face smile laden with pride that made his eyes sparkle like he was watching Star Trek. A tear moistened the corner of her eye as she thought of him smiling at her while she spoke to the group, at large. It was like a whispered secret in the middle of the conversation, a silent I love you pointed only at her. She missed him desperately. She had spent the majority of her life alone, but being without him now, seemed so much worse than any loneliness she had known before.

Her cell phone interrupted her brooding. She glanced over to see Bernadette's name and number plastered across the screen. She took a brief moment to steady her voice before answering. "Hello"

"Sheldon made Raj move out of your spot." Bernadette's voice blared through the speaker at an impossibly high pitch.

Amy's heart stopped "He did?"

"Yeah, sweetie he did.." Penny chimed in unexpectedly on the third line.

"He came back from the kitchen and saw Raj in your seat, then he went all pale and yelled That's Amy's spot. Then, when Raj didn't move Sheldon starred him down like a lion about to tackle a gazelle." Bernadette's words came out in an exited rush. "Me and Penny had to make Raj move before there was a throw down."

"Really?" Amy couldn't quite wrap her mind around what they were saying. Sheldon wasn't a violent man, a bit nefarious at times, but far from violent.

" If he squeezed that water bottle any harder it would've crumpled like a beer can." Penny chimed in again.

"I've never seen Sheldon go all Alpha male before. I think I finally understand what it is you see in him." Bernadette admitted.

"Yeah, as far as Sheldon goes, it was kinda hot." Penny stated.

They were preaching to the choir now. Amy had realized how hot Sheldon was the day she first met him, with his lanky frame, piercing blue eyes and gentile southern manners were titillating to say the least. His brain, however, was exquisite. He knew at least something about every subject she broached. There's nothing hotter than a man with a sharp mind, and Sheldon was sharp as a new razor.

"Leonard told you about the train right?" Penny's question brought her out of her reverie.

'What train?" Amy's confusion at the abrupt change in conversation coated her voice.

"Sheldon spent the day at work doodling a train on his dry erase board" Penny continued, a knowing lilt drawing out her words.

"So?" Amy remained confused. Sheldon spending his day sketching trains wasn't exactly front page news.

"It's the train you made-out on." Bernadette cut in her voice rife with implications.

There was dead air over the phone line for several long moments as Amy soaked in all the information being thrown at her. He missed her on a level so deep and profound that he was subconsciously mourning her absence. Her heart broke. How could she do this to him if she loved? She did love him. Out of everything going on between them right now, that much was a constant, an invariable law of nature. She loved him, and he loved her in return. Unfortunately that love did not manifest is the same manner or intensity. It was gut wrenching.

"Are you still mad at him?" Bernadette's question was much softer than her previous statements, but it rang loud in the silence.

Amy sighed, " I'm not mad at him. I'm just not sure if I'm willing to give up everything I want to be with him." The sentiment clutched her throat and tears burned her eyes. It sounded so selfish, but didn't she deserve the life she wanted. Did she still want that life if Sheldon wasn't a part of it? The dam broke, and she cried out right while her friends tried their best to comfort her through the phone. Amy listened to all their cooing reassurances that everything would be alright, but it wasn't alright. She was in love and that love was crushing her. All she really wanted right now was for Sheldon to show up at her door and fix what she had broken.

 _ **A/N #2 I've found I kinda like hearing from people so if you read it, please review it. Thanks again for all the likes and faves and reviews so far. If you keep 'em coming, I'll keep 'em coming. :)**_


	3. The Kripke Aberration

_**A/N Sorry for posting late. no excuse is a good excuse so I won't regale you with reasons why. Suffice it to say that I do apologize and sincerely hope that is enough. As always I don't own the characters. :)**_

The Hiatus Exhortation Part 3 : The Kripke Aberration

It was extremely difficult for Amy to stay away from Sheldon knowing how much he missed her. She wrestled everyday with the idea of showing up at his door. There were a few instances where she did, but she never knocked. She wanted him to come to her. It sounded so juvenile and prideful, but she had kowtowed long enough to Sheldon Cooper. Their relationship had been subject to his rule too long. It was time she got more of what she wanted, and what she wanted was Sheldon to break his own contract, to cross the lines he had drawn himself, to give up a little just to get to her. She wanted to feel important, and desirable. She wanted to be pursued, and fawned over. She wanted to be an all consuming force in his universe the way he was in hers.

She kept her distance, but she knew every move he made. Penny and Bernadette informed her of every detail of Sheldon's time without her. What he said. What he did. Where he went. When he seemed sad. When he was irritable. How often he spoke of her. It was hard to hear sometimes, but good to know. At least he wasn't collecting cats.

By day 15 she had begun getting used to the loneliness and her sadness had plateaued into a dull manageable ache. She went about her normal routine moving by rote and accomplishing very little, but she went about it anyway. One day melded into the next creating an indistinct globule of time, that she was haphazardly slogging through. She had taken time away from Sheldon to think, but most of her energy was wasted on hope. As she performed what ever perfunctory task the lab presented her with, the majority of her mind was focused on one omnipresent non sequitur. Is today the day? Is today the day he can't take it anymore and comes crashing through the lab door. Is today the day he scoops her up in his arms crushing her lips in a madly passionate kiss muttering about what a fool he's been all these years as he runs his fingers through her hair. It was horrible. She knew better than anyone, that hope was a heavy burden, made worse by time and disappointment. You'd think, by now, she would have learned to control the insatiable yearning within her to feel like the leading lady of some sickeningly sweet Hollywood romance. Every glance toward the door, every trill of excitement at the sound of her ring tone made her a little bit angrier. She was angry at herself for thinking it possible he would ever do such things. She was angry at him for doing nothing. That's the way her time passed, until day 30.

/

This hiatus was torture. Sheldon was quickly turning into a train wreck. He found it hard to eat. His sleep cycle was fluctuating. He even had to amend his bathroom schedule and fiber intake. No one would know to look at him, but he was coming apart at the seams. Every passing day felt longer than the previous one. Every activity he had shared with Amy, lost any joy it once held for him. He couldn't go to movies, or museums. He couldn't bear the slightest hint of harp music. He didn't even care to drink tea anymore. The memory of her was consuming him.

He tried to keep his distance, as he said he would, but it was all becoming too much. On day 15 he began taking the long way to his 2:45 appointment, just so he could glance down the hallway toward her lab. He would cross his fingers as he neared the corridor, hoping he would bump into her. On day 23 he discovered he could see Amy eating her lunch on a bench near the quad if he walked across the street to the parking structure between noon and one. On day 28 he stood outside Penny's door for two hours listening to the sounds of clinking glasses and clucking hens, just to hear Amy's voice. Leonard had taken to calling him a stalker, but promised not to tell Penny, as long as he didn't get any cats.

On day 30, everything changed. He was eating his lunch in the commissary as usual. The others were making jokes about his new found passed time of bird watching, which he did everyday for the last half hour of lunch. They knew he was really looking for Amy, but he would not admit it to them even if they already knew. His feelings for Amy were deep and personal and they didn't deserve his confirmation of their suspicions.

"Coopuh." The unmistakable sound of Barry Kripke pulled Sheldon from his musings. "I've noticed youh guhfwiend eating a wot of wunches awone watewy. Twouble in pawadise?"

" I don't see how the state of our relationship is any business of yours." Sheldon found his colleague's prying to be an annoyance of the highest order. He found it difficult to share information about his relationship with people he considered friends. He certainly was not going to share that information with the likes of Barry Kripke.

"I was just wonduhwing if she needed a weauh man to step in and pick up the swack." Barry's voice took on a suggestive undertone that Sheldon didn't understand.

"What slack?" Sheldon was confused. Why did people feel the need to speak in indecipherable code. He wished, for once the people around him would just state things plainly.

"He's talking about having sex with Amy." Leonard's voice was a cautious whisper that seemed to silence the world. A flash of anger seized Sheldon's jaw, locking his teeth together so forcefully that it caused his molars to ache. His fingernails bit into the soft flesh of his palms, and his peripheral vision went dark. She was not for him. He had no right to talk about Amy that way. No one did. A fleeting image of decking Kripke flashed into Sheldon's mind, and for a few brief seconds he considered it. It was not generally in his nature to fight. Sure, he had the occasional tussle with George and Missy and even Leonard, but none of those had been serious altercations. No, his weapon was his mind, and he needed to wield it. Unfortunately, he had just lost his weapon somewhere, in a bog of catecholamines and adrenaline.

"You might wanna run." Wolowitz sounded so far away. It was hard to believe he was sitting directly across the table.

Barry's hands came up in defensive gesture of acquiescence, as he began to back away. "Sowy Coopuh. I didn't mean to offend you. Next time I'uhw just ask Amy, diwectwy… Maybe I should just do that now." Barry smirked as he turned to leave the cafeteria, and Sheldon's mind did the unthinkable. It stopped.

/

Amy sat on her usual bench eating her turkey on wheat. Sheldon hated eating outside, so she made a point to do it everyday at lunch. It was an affirmation of empowerment, a chance to reflect on all the things she liked to do but didn't because of Sheldon. Or, maybe, it was that she didn't like sitting in her lab waiting for him to come around. She liked the first idea better. It made her sound strong. The second was probably the most true, but she did her best to ignore it.

"Amy." Barry Kripke seemed to appear out of nowhere. "Mind if I sit?" he said gesturing toward the empty section of bench next to her.

"Not at all." Amy replied moving as far to one side as she could. Despite his lisp, and Sheldon's dislike of him, Amy had recently discovered Barry was quite a delightful conversationalist. He was smart and cheerful and didn't think her research was less important than his. Beyond that he was normal, and sadly she found normal to be endearing. Barry sat down, closer to her than she had expected , and leaned back stretching his arm out across the back rest directly behind her shoulders. His movements were fluid and he showed no signs of nervousness or discomfort, but she stiffened. She wasn't used to a man being so at ease with her. She glanced over apprehensively. Barry was smiling at her with a hint of what she thought might be compassion.

" I huhd about you and Coopuh, how long were you together?" Barry's voice was as calm as his demeanor, and his face showed signs of actual interest.

" Five years." Her voice was more quiet than she expected.

" Five Yeuhs." Barry blew out a long loud breath. " That's a wong time to spend with someone, especiawy Coopuh."

" He's not as difficult as everyone thinks." Amy was suddenly defensive. Everyone was always so quick to point out how flawed Sheldon was.

" Then why'd you bweak up?" Barry's words cut to the core. Sheldon was difficult, so much so that she had finally started to give up on him.

" We didn't break up. We're just taking some time apart." She knew the difference was nil to most people, but she and Sheldon had a contract stating that difference clearly.

"Wight." Barry nodded a knowing smile painting his otherwise sympathetic features. " I just wanted to wet you know, that if you ever need to tawk owuh just don't want to be awone I'm hewuh fuh you." He grabbed a retractable Sharpie from his pocket, then he grabbed her hand. A jolt of electricity shot up Amy's arm and into her chest, followed by a fluttering excitement and an immediate wave of guilt.

Barry drew his name and phone number into her palm, each long fluid stroke of the marker sending flares of sensation through her skin and stabs of remorse through her gut. When he finished, he leaned down and blew a slow cool breathe across the ink. Then, he closed her fingers around his information and looked deep into her eyes while lightly rubbing his thumb up and down her middle and forefinger, his gaze occasionally flickering to her lips. She could feel the involuntary "whoo" rising up in her throat. He stopped just in time for her to hold it back. Then he gave her a smile and a nod and was gone.

Amy opened her hand and stared down at what he had written. It was his name and his number and the words anywhere, anytime. The whoo escaped her as she read it. What the hell just happened.

/

Sheldon sat at the bottom of the stair case leading to his apartment. He was still reeling from his mental shutdown at lunch. It had only taken a moment for his brain to boot back up, but that one brief second of blankness was the only time in his life his mind had ever been empty. It had frightened him, and by the time he had gotten enough of his wits about him to do something, Kripke was gone. Worst of all he had gotten to the parking structure just in time to see Barry holding Amy's hand and staring into her eyes. This was not good. He had to do something, fast, but the hiatus contract had his hands tied. So here he sat waiting as patiently as possible for Penny to return from shopping.

The buildings door swung open and Penny entered carrying a large paper bag full groceries. Sheldon Stood immediately to greet her.

"53 messages Sheldon!" She exclaimed angrily as soon as she laid eyes on him.

"And not one reply from you, seems a bit rude, does it not." He replied tilting his head toward her in a gesture that always made his remarks seem more pointed.

Penny rolled her eyes and walked passed him with an exasperated sigh. He followed her up the stairs.

"Did you bother to read any of those messages?" Sheldon inquired as they climbed.

"I've already talked to Leonard and Amy. I know this Barry guy picked on you and then hit on her."

"He did not just hit on Amy. He plans to seduce her." Sheldon stopped on the second floor landing causing Penny to turn around. He made no attempt to hide the pain and desperation on his face. Her feature's softened when she saw him.

"Sweetie, if your that afraid of losing her, do something." Her voice was soothing but sharp. She turned and continued up the stairs. Again, he followed.

"I intend to do something, but I need you to contact Amy."

" Why do I have to contact Amy?"

" Because the hiatus contract stipulates that I can not initiate any contact with her for another 15 days. You're her best friend so a call from you makes the most logical sense. Plus, you live across the hall from me which will make it seem more plausible when we bump into each other due to your impromptu girls night you forgot to tell me about. " He explained as they crossed the third floor landing and headed up to their floor.

"Right, and when is this impromptu girls night?" Her question sounded more annoyed than inquisitive.

"Tonight." He replied

"Of course." she said stretching out the of. "Sweetie, you realize she needs more from you than she's getting." She stopped on the landing and gave him a look he couldn't quite decipher.

"Yes" His voice was hushed and full of humility.

"Are you gonna be able to give that to her?" Her question was harsh and honest and she asked it with such earnestness that Sheldon had no choice but to give his response extra thought. He stood silent for a moment considering all the implications.

" I'm not the same man I was five years ago. I've said and done things I never thought possible, and lately I've re-imagined my whole existence. I know that waiting for me has been frustrating and exhausting, but I've proven myself willing to change for her, and I can't imagine that willingness will ever go away." His word were deliberate, heartfelt, and true Sheldon raised his eyes to Penny's face to find her awestruck.

"Hold this." she said her voice cracking as she shoved her grocery bag into Sheldon's arms, and reached into her pocket. "I'll get my phone."

 _ **A/N The next chapter should be the last. I'll try to get it out in a more timely fashion. Also, reviews are my sustenance, so feed me. :)**_


	4. The Relationship Adhesion

_**A/N Ok so this is the last chapter. It was difficult to write and I'm still not sure I got it right, but here goes nothing. As always I don't own the characters. :)**_

The Hiatus Exhortation Part 4 : The Relationship Adhesion

Amy walked slowly up the stairs to Penny's apartment. Her palm still tingled from her encounter with Barry. She had washed her hands several times since then but the faded image remained imprinted on her skin, ghostly grey but clearly legible. She knew Sheldon had lied to Barry about their sex life. She also knew that Barry's interest in her was due to those sordid tales. It didn't make it any less exhilarating. She was the object of a man's unbridled lust. Sure, he thought she was some kind of porn-esque librarian nymphomaniac, but it still made her feel desirable. It was a nice change of pace. Sheldon was always so dismissive and aloof in that particular area. It would've made her so happy if it had been Sheldon drying the ink on her palm with his breath. Her mind quickly replaced Barry's face with his in her memory causing her knees to buckle as she rounded the second floor landing. She caught herself on the elevator door just before she fell. "Whoo!" She pressed her lips together hard to silence herself, then pushed herself back to an upright position and locked that image away for use later.

After pulling herself together she continued up to the fourth floor, trying her best to think of anything besides how close she was getting to Sheldon. Every girl's night over the past month had found her eyeballing his apartment door for several long moments as she pondered knocking. Tonight, she was determined to pass by it without a second look. She let her mind drift, and as she rounded the third floor, it landed squarely in the gutter. Flashes of Barry ravishing her like he won her in battle, littered her imagination. As she neared the forth floor, however, those flashes morphed into a full blown fantasy of Sheldon making love to her like she was the only woman who had ever existed. She came back to her senses when she realized she was standing at his door. The thought of knocking flitted across her brain. Damn it!

There was no use denying it. He was in her system like a drug, and every second she spent away from him was just causing more symptoms of withdrawal. Sure, she could placate herself with Barry, use him to take the edge off. Barry could be her methadone, a lackluster replacement she could use to modify her life and kick her habit, but she would always crave Sheldon. He was one hundred percent pure, unadulterated intoxicant and no one else on earth could give her the same high. She knew she would go back to him. She should just knock and get it over with.

Drugs are bad for you and addiction is a disease. She knew that better than anyone. She had spent most of her career studying the affects of addiction on animals. It never turned out well. No, giving in now is admitting defeat and giving up all hope of a more fulfilling relationship. She turned herself from Sheldon's apartment strode across the landing with a false air of confidence and knocked on Penny's door.

The door opened just wide enough for Penny to push her face through the opening. Amy opened her mouth to greet her friend but Penny interrupted her.

"Don't hate me for what's about to happen."

"What.."

"Sheldon, she's here." Penny yelled slamming the door in her face. What the hell just happened!

/

Sheldon sat stock still in his spot. Leonard was working late and for that he was grateful. The last thing Sheldon wanted tonight was someone else's prying eyes watching him throw himself at Amy's feet. It was bad enough that they would have Penny's prying ears next door. If tonight went badly the whole group would know within minutes, consequently the same was true if tonight went well. Of course, if tonight went badly Sheldon would have to quit his job at Cal-Tech. There's no way he could handle seeing Amy with Barry Kripke. The image of them sitting together on that bench during lunch had needled at him all day. It caused all manner of stomach turning and anger inducing images to ramble through his brain. Not to mention the constant nagging idea that perhaps Amy had liked what Barry was doing. Perhaps she was intrigued by the sensation and was calling Barry right now to invite him to her apartment to blow on other parts of her body.

He closed his eyes and tried using Kolinahr to calm himself, but it was no use. His imagination was vivid, and sometimes that was a curse. He could practically see the rapt look on Amy's face as Kripke breathed his germs all over her body. Sheldon should have hit him when he had the chance. What if he was touching her? The idea of Barry's sleazy stripper groping hands on Amy was nauseating. Bile rose up in Sheldon's throat tickling his gag reflex. He leaned forward letting his head hang between his knees to keep from vomiting. He'd kill him. If Barry Kripke laid one finger on any part of Amy that was generally covered by clothing, Sheldon would kill him. He wouldn't be merciful and use poison either, no he would do it slowly and painfully, by hand.

What was happening to him? Sheldon had thought about poisoning Kripke before, but not lethally. He certainly had never imagined ripping anyone apart limb by limb, Wookie style. He would never go through with such an act, but the thought of Amy with another man made him so angry. She was for him, and only him. Perhaps he was slow in pursuing this relationship especially on the physical side of things, but he was trying. Truth be told he was frightened of entering into a physical relationship. The only experience he had with such things were movies and his observations of the relationships around him. It seemed that becoming physical complicated most relationships and his and Amy's was already complicated enough. That being said, he had to admit he thought about her. Sometimes, he dreamed about her. A fleeting image of Amy dressed as nurse Chapel crossed his mind and he went back to attempting Kolinahr.

He was having trouble containing the roil of emotions that had been building within him over the past 30 days. That was a lie. These emotions had been building for far longer than that. He had been suppressing every feeling Amy had caused in him for the past five years. He had tamped down every jealous moment, every amorous thought, every little trill Amy drew from his limbic system. He pushed them all into a tiny ball and maintained an illusion of self control by letting off just enough emotion to keep Amy at his side. It was wrong, the way he treated her, he knew that, but he was scared. He had never been in any kind of romantic relationship before, and he was terrified by the one he was in now, but as scared as he was of being with her, being without her frightened him more.

"Sheldon, she's here." Penny's muffled voice pulled him from his thoughts. He rushed to the door and threw it open to reveal Amy standing with her back to him. All he needed was one word from her.

/

Amy stood staring angrily at Penny's closed door. She heard Sheldon's door open. She could practically feel his presence behind her. She was frozen. She wanted so badly to see him, but she also wanted to stay strong. There simply was no way for her to do both. There was also no way for her to leave the building without walking right past him. She gathered up every shred of fortitude left within her and turned to face him.

It was the first time she had seen him in a month and the sight took her breath. He was haggard, and thinner than usual. His cheeks were sunken and dark crescents beneath his eyes gave his face a corpse-like quality. Why had no one told her how bad he was? She crossed the landing in a few steps and stood before him her concern painted all over her face.

"Sheldon." she breathed "Are you all right." She saw a light flicker behind his eyes as she spoke. His adam's apple bobbed but his eyes stayed locked onto hers.

"No I'm not." he said flatly reaching for the hand imprinted with Barry's phone number. She thought about pulling away, but it was so rare for him to reach for her that she couldn't force herself not to let him. He grabbed her hand and turned it over to reveal the faded image of Barry's information. His eyes left hers for a moment and she was surprised when they returned. "Are you going to see him?"

The question stunned her. She didn't know what she intended to do. Had she thought about it? Yes. Was she intrigued by the idea? Maybe. Did she really want to? No. Not now, when she was staring into Sheldon's eyes while he held her hand in his. This is an anomaly. She tried to remind herself. This is not how Sheldon normally is. This is just the jealousy making him hold on to you.

"I don't know." She knew he hated that but they still had 15 days for her to think about what she wanted. There was no reason to answer right now. Why was he still holding her hand?

"So you're considering it?" His voice was small and he looked more broken than she had ever seen him.

"Yes." her heart broke when she answered him. She didn't even know if what she was saying was true. She just knew if she gave Sheldon the upper hand he would use it to sweep their problems under the rug and tomorrow she would be back in the same uneven relationship she was in a month ago. Sheldon released her hand and his eyes began darting around the room. A look crossed his face, that she had never seen before. It was somewhere between anger and desperation, twisted with a pang of shame.

"You realize that Barry Kripke is only interested in one thing from you." his voice was still soft, but his implication seemed harsh. A flare of anger heated her face.

"Yeah, well it happens to be the one thing you're not interested in at all." she said more pointedly than she had intended, the crux of their problem breaking the surface. Sheldon's eyes shot to the floor, his head tilted down. She didn't move. A long moment passed in silent stillness.

"You're right." Sheldon's voice caught her just as she was considering walking away. His words were devastating. She had always believed that somewhere deep inside Sheldon wanted her, but what he was saying now shredded that belief to confetti. He lifted his head to look her in the eye again. She could feel the tears stinging the back of her eyelids. "I'm not interested in meaningless coitus with you."

Every last strand of hope she had ever clung to, crumbled to ash in her grasp. There was nothing left to hold on to, Sheldon was a lost cause. She nodded, she had no parting words to give him. She had already given him enough. She turned on her heels and moved toward the stairs. Maybe she could make it down the first flight before she started to cry.

/

A moment of panic gripped Sheldon's chest as Amy turned to go. She hadn't let him finish.

He halted her with a gentle hand on her forearm just as she took her first step.

"What I am interested in…" He began before she had a chance to turn around "… is, whether or not you use cinnamon in your French toast." He could see the confusion on Amy's face as she turned to look up at him.

"What?" Her voice was shrill and frail and a bit incredulous. A rare softness took over his demeanor as he recognized the tell tale signs of confusion contorting her features. He had to make her understand.

"I'm also interested in which side of the bed you prefer, whether or not you like brick houses, and how high our children's IQs will be." He watched the realization dawning on her face with every word he spoke. He wasn't interested in sharing a moment of half hearted passion with her, only to leave her at sunrise. He was interested in sharing his life with her. It's what she had always wanted from him, and now he wanted it too.

"Sheldon." she breathed his name but could produce no other words.

He had left her speechless and he was unsure where to go from here, so he did the next thing that came to mind. He slid his hands around her waist and pulled her to him. When she made no protest, he kissed her. Her lips were just as soft as he remembered, and they tasted of strawberry chap stick. She stood unmoving in his embrace, a solid inch of space between them. It wasn't good enough. He wrapped his arms around her more tightly closing the gap between them, until he could feel the entire length of her body against his. He eased his right hand up her back to offer her more support, then pressed himself against her. He tilted his head ever so slightly and parted his lips just enough to suck her upper lip between them. Her breath caught. Her hands made their way up his arms and across his shoulders coming to rest on either side of his sternum. He shivered at the contact. She had never been so bold, but then again neither had he.

He pulled his face away from hers breaking the kiss, but he kept her body locked tightly against him. He studied her face, breathless and flushed . She was looking him in the eye, nervous and awestruck.

"I love you." he whispered, incapable of anything more.

"I love you too." She whispered back her expression softening as a contented smile played at the corners of her mouth. She was so beautiful, and so warm, he never wanted to let go of her.

"Proposal." He stated. Never taking his eyes off her. She looked up at him expectantly as she waited for him to begin. The silence stretched on for minutes.

"What is your proposal?" She inquired nervously. Reluctantly he let go of her and walked back through the open door of his apartment. She followed stopping in front of her spot on the couch, as he pulled the small box from his desk drawer. He crossed back to her keeping the box as out of sight as possible.

"You don't go out with Kripke. We consider the rest of our hiatus as time served." He swallowed hard before presenting the box to her. He opened it quickly and continued his proposal. "You agree to marry me, and then we celebrate by ordering pizza."

A smile brightened her face and her eyes misted over as she stared at the diamond in the box. "Proposal Accepted."

 _ **A/N I hope I didn't get too out of character here I was trying to stay as true to Sheldon and Amy as possible. Please review and let me know what you think. :)**_


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